Things Advertising Taught Me

I posted this some time back on Tumblr, but now that I have an official!blog, I thought it deserved a home here.  So, here it is:

Things Advertising Taught Me

  • Women love to clean; they love it so much, they wear nice clothes when scrubbing the toilet and they dance with their mops.
  • Only women know how to clean or use cleaning products.
  • The moment a man says his wedding vows, he becomes an infantilized moron with no judgment skills and incapable of the most basic decision making. Fortunately, their wives are also their mothers.
  • Eating fast food bacon chili cheeseburgers not only doesn’t make you fat, it makes you sexy and masculine.
  • Eating chocolate gives women orgasms.
  • If no chocolate is available, yogurt is an acceptable substitute.
  • Everyone lives in houses.
  • People give each other cars with oversized bows for Christmas.
  • Relationships exist only between men and women, and people of the same race.
  • Opening a bottle of beer ensures that a host of attractive people will start dancing in your proximity.
  • Girls do not play with trucks, cars, or construction equipment.
  • I want smoother, younger-looking skin.
  • It’s acceptable dinner conversation to discuss the fact that one’s appetizer and two entrees only cost $20.
  • Blue liquid comes out of vaginas.
  • Blue liquid also comes out of babies.
  • Most driving consists of country roads or Highway 1 in Big Sur.
  • Birth control pills are used for clearing your skin or regulating periods, not for actual prevention of pregnancy.
  • Cooks at chain restaurants wear toques and lovingly prepare your food on butcher-block tables.
  • When a man shaves, he only has .1% body fat.

Feel free to add what you’ve learned from advertising in the comments.


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